“It has never been, and never will be easy work. But the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination.”
-Marion Zimmer Bradley
A few days ago a friend sent me this quote. I’ve thought about it. A lot. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to mean, and i’m also not sure what I think about it – but I do know that hope is always greater than despair.
I don’t know how often you live in despair – but I know I am in a constant state of doubting anything and everything. Sometimes I can be the biggest Debbie Downer, “Guys i’m the worst” “I can’t do anything right” “I’m sorry i’m such a horrible friend” “I suck at life”… I know these are things everyone says – but I’m fairly certain I actually mean it when I say it.
About 3 months ago I decided I wanted to not only be more honest with myself (because we as know we lie to ourselves more than we lie to anyone else) but with the people around me. If you now me at all you know i’m overly dramatic and mostly say a bunch of emotional things that I mean. I wanted to stop that and really get down to the honest truth – I am ratchet as hell. I’m a horrible horrible at a lot of things in life – especially friendships. That’s changing though – and the reason is I have hope.
The people in my life give me hope. They encourage me, care for me, and bless me far beyond what I deserve. I don’t take well to “tough love” but I know when my friends give it to me – it’s because its what I need. I need people who are going to tell me to shut up and appreciate what I have. I’ve got it all.
I recently built a new friendship with an unexpected person. It’s a funny story leading up to how we met and started our bonding but more importantly this guy became my first real gay friend and quickly became a person I could talk to when none of my other friends could relate to my struggles and heartaches. He was a rock to hold onto when the waters got to be too much. This guy had a lot on his plate as it were and I couldn’t believe he wanted to invest in me as much as he did – but I’m glad he did. He gave me hope. After a few months of our friendship I felt that I needed to be completely honest with him. So I was… and the story behind the honesty isn’t as important as the reaction. I hurt him. Badly. At this point I don’t see redemption in our friendship, but that’s something I’ll have to live with because of the truth.
this is where “The Honest Truth” comes in; What is the truth worth? In this case I lost the only person I didn’t have to be anything about myself with. I could say whatever I wanted and he wouldn’t be offended or weirded out, or grossed out, and most of all wouldn’t think less of me. Someone who was there for me and yet barely knew me. Don’t get me wrong – i’m definitely not discrediting the rest of my friends, but for obvious reasons he understood and no one else does. Now he hates me. Or at least is so hurt by me that he can’t even talk to me or look at me. Was the truth worth it? Is the truth always the right thing?
I’m at a loss and the last couple weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life, but the beauty of it is – I am loved, cared for, and showered in hope daily by the people in my life. For that, I am grateful.