This post is a little premature – but it’s been nearly a year since i’ve come out to the internet; however, it was a year ago this week when I knew that my life was about to change drastically. I had spent countless hours fighting with every part of myself and even more so with God on who I was. I had my ups and my downs like every other person has. I reminded myself that I’m to finish the race that leads to eternal life with Christ. Somehow, this only left me feeling empty. I felt sick with failure for letting my flesh run my life. I felt like there was no winning. I felt that I could never be righteous in Gods eyes. I felt completely and utterly defeated. I knew that the only option was to make a conscious decision to separate myself from Christ and his teachings.
First things first – separating myself from Christ was no walk in the park. The empty loneliness changed. I now felt a true emptiness. That feeling that something was about to go completely wrong. Things began slowly to look up though. I started to make new friends who supported not only me – but anything that was going to make me happy… and happy I became. I was meeting all sorts of new people who only told me how, “proud for me” they were and how, “excited for my new life” they were for me. I was overwhelmed with support from the amazing people that have been there for me from the beginning and now for these new people cheering me on as I venture towards the unknown. All of this new found love and support filled my heart. Times were/are still hard and will continue to be, but I’m BEYOND thankful for the people who have lavished love on me.
this is the hard part. For some reason I’ve listened to an excessive amount of Derek Webb over the last year. Don’t get me wrong – I love his music and I definitely listened to it a lot in the past too… but for a man who just recently came out as gay and essentially said “I believe in God and all – but i’m just not bout it anymore” it’s kinda weird. You can look at my music history on my phone and it’s probably 30% Rap / 15% Dashboard Confessionals / 15% Musicals / and 60% Derek Webb. There’s just something about the truth and blunt honesty in his music that I guess I can relate to. He takes what the Gospel is and puts it in word form. Not to knock all the other christian artist out there but this guy speaks truth from the heart. He’s defeated/revived. He’s struggling/comforted. He’s faced with falsehoods/calls them out as they are. His latest album that is titled “I was wrong, I’m sorry, and I love you” has resinated so hard with me. Although I can’t necessarily apply it to my life as he would or maybe the way that it was intended to be applied – I can put it’s truths to my life.
“I have misled you
I have misread you
I’ve cared too much and not enough in the same breath
You’ve been my hope, my stretch of rope in life and death”
(If you haven’t heard this song yet – here it is)
Basically what i’m getting at (and not directly because i’ve been all over the place in this post) is that in this incredibly trying and growing year of continued ups and downs I’ve gotten no closer to figuring out what life is. I’ve learned SO much about the LGBT community and have grown to love them (with the help of many people – especially my AMAZING friend Amelia who has a very similar background to me and works for the Equality House and http://www.plantingpeace.com). I’m by no means saying i’m not gay anymore or not saying that it doesn’t feel right anymore – because i’m definitely super pumped to find an amazing guy sometime in the future. What i’m saying now is that there has to be a reconciliation between Christ and myself (and all of those who seek him out in the LGBT community). I’m not sure where I’m at on this and I’m not sure how it’s going to go – but one thing I know is that I stood in the front yard of a rainbow house last night and prayed for the LGBT people in Russia, and I was by no means alone – there were others there. People who believe with all of their heart that THEY ARE CHRIST’ AND HE IS THEIRS. These are people with genuine hearts. People I know and love.
I don’t know what the status of my salvation is but I do know that when I sing:
“It seems too easy to call you “Savior”,
Not close enough to call you “God”
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion
I want to fall in love with you”
I mean it.
Sorry for the all-over-the-place-ness but just searching, ya know.
Feed back and support is more than welcome. I know i’m not alone in searching right now – so any directions can help.
PS – for those of you that have never heard of/seen “Prayers for Bobby” – you should. Here’s the whole movie on youtube. It’s worth the hour and a half.